I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
