I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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