handjob tips. give me some.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
