Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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