there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
someone get that fucking seahorse.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
