I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Operation Purity has been aborted
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
