Don't make out with my wife yet
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
