just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
