We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Drunk is a universal language darling
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