i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
