I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
