How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
