I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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