It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
