I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
