it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
