Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
