yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
