I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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