dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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