Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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