i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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