i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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