somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
