I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
