Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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