At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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