You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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