How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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