I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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