I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
