I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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