So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
bring money and cleavage
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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