I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
