just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
