First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
