Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
