alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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