Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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