They should really pass out barf bags in church
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
