Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
