hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
