I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
