Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
