Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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