just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize