Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
