i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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