Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
