i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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