Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
