Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
